The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
