In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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