Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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