I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
