i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
