As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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