she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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