She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
