y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
