I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
