Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
