I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
