Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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