I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
