I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
