Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
