woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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