I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
