Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
