im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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