even my farts smell like vagina
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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