can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
