Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
