if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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