Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
