I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
