He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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