he puts the penis in happiness.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
