I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
