I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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