woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
