R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
