Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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