You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
