Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
