I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
