I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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