Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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