my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
