How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The Olympian is in my bed
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
