I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
