He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Drunk is a universal language darling
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
