i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
