I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
