my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
