Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
this just has baby written all over it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
