this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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