remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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