I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
