i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
