I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
