I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
