Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
